( alarm ringing ) [Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and DISNEY CHANNEL] Ah, what do we have here? Thank you. ( chuckles ) ( screams ) Music, food, decorations. Well, everything is coming together perfectly. ( Hillbilly accent ): Uh, Ren, I think you forgot one tiny little detail. It's a Sadie Hawns dance. The girls ask the boys but you haven't asked anybody yet. Oh. Well, you know, I've been busy planning. I just haven't had any time. But the dance is tomorrow. Well, what about you? You haven't asked anyone either. That's different. I am the spontaneous type while you, on the other hand, are the planning type. It's not like you to wait till the last minute. Ren, why in the ding-dong dell was this delivered our school today? Oh, Principal Wexler, sir, I'm sorry. The pig was t supposed to be arriving till tomorrow night. It's for the hillbilly theme for the Sadie Hawkins dance. It's a health hazard. Or a zoning violation. Either way, it has formed an odd attraction to my ankle. Just get it out of my fice. Oh... oh... um, sir what am I supposed to do with a pig until tomorrow night? Start with housebreaking. Sir? ( grunts softly ) GIRL: There hes! Ladies, ladies... thank you all for your invitations to the Sadie Hawkins dan but please just be patient. I should be making my decision pretty soon. Thanks. Hey, what's up? I'm Louis. GIRL: Yeah, no kidding. So what. How are you getting all these girls to ask you to the dance? Dude, I don't know. It's, like, ev since the Sadie Hawkins day thing I'm, like, this big babe magnet. I'm like a lint magnet. I mean, how am I getting this stuff all over my trousers? GIRL: Call you later, Alan. So how many girls have asked you to the dance? I don't know... seven, eight. Eight dates?! Oh, wow! I mean, the only other guy with that many offers is Tad Taylor. LOUIS: That guy. What do girls see in that kid? Please tell me. I don't know. I mean why do all the really good looking guys with srkling personalities get all the girls? I don't understand it. You know what I do understand, though? That the dance is tomorrow night and not one girl has come within 50 feet of me. I bet it's cause they all think Tawns going to ask you. You know what? I thought the same thing. I thought she was. But then this whole week, she's been avoiding me. There's one thing I understand as of today. It's the ladies, okay? And it is 100% guaranteed, bro-- we're not talking 90%, okay?-- 100% guaranteed 100%. I got ya. that Tawny is going to ask you. I hope you're right, man. So, uh... what would you say my prospect re for getting a date? Hey, Lou, will you pass the salt. Here you go. Hey, Ren... Um... nice pig. Can I talk to you? Oh, sure, sure. What's up? Um... Ho on... ( squealing softly ) ( groans ) Go ahead. It's about this whole Sadie Hawkins thing. I mean... how embarrassing is this going to be? Oh, it's going to be great. We got a hay ride, square dancing and hitching post... It's going to be pretty embarrassing but I'm making it cool. Well, the idea of the girls asking the gs is kind of empowering, but... I don't do hillbilly. Oh, trusme. If you get into the spirit of it, it'll be fun. So, are you going to ask a certain someone? No. I think I'm going to ask Louis. Good one. What about you, Ren? You gonna ask Bobby, huh? That's actually been over for awhile. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Well again, nice pig. Thanks. GIRL: Hey, Twitty. TWITTY: Dude, dude here comes Tawny, man. I bet this is . It's about time. Yeah, yeah. See, she was just playing you. You know, making you sweat a little. Yeah, you know, girls are always doing that. Or, you know, so I've read. Guys, she wasn't making me sweat, okay? Hey, just play it cool. Louis, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, sure. I got a minute. So, what's up? It's about that whole Sadie Hawkins dance. Yeah, yeah, I figured. I figured that's what it was about. You wouldn't believe how many girls have been asking me out to that thing. I tell you, I can't keep their paws off me. Oh, really? Yeah. I need some of that babe repellent like Tom uses. Hey! I'll have you know that's cologne: Midnight in Cairo. So, do you already have a date? I mean, you know how it is. Testing the waters, scopinout my options. what about you? Anybody you're thinking about asking to the dance? No. No! No? Look, I wouldn't go to that stupid dance if somebody paid me. Oh, and good luck keeping the babes away, Louis. What just happened? I said play it cool. Yeah, and you played the fool! Sorry. You know, I just like to bust the occasional rhyme. Honestly, Ren. I have heard a lot of excuses in my career. No, but it's true, Ms. Lovelson! A pig really did eat my homework. There is only one fair way to decide who's going to take me to the dance. Can we get this over with already, please? Dude, what's your problem? What's my problem? I'll tell you what mproblem is. You have a wheel of dates. I have a wheel of nothing. That's my problem. Okay? Spin the wheel. Big money, big money big money, big money big money! Tom's mom. Oh... Sorry, that must've have llen out of my wallet. Go ahead. BOTH: Lindsey Lang. eet. I'm really happy for you, dude. Thanks, man. I'm sorry you blew that whole thing with Tawny. Yeah, you sure did, Louis! It looks like you and mere up dateless creek without a paddle. ( phone rings ) Hello? No, Donnie. Okay, holdn. Donnie, girl, woman! What is on your head?! It's mayonnaise. I was making chickcken salad, but I decided to give myself a hydrating scalp treatment instead. It's... But don't tell her that. Tell her that I'm out somewhere and I'm up to no good. Hello? Yeah, he's not here right now. As a matter of fact, havet seen him all day. He's out somewhere up to no good. Okay. Bye. Message? Yeah. Lexie thinks you're hot. I'm telling you, man. It's that bad boy thing. Gets 'em every time. ( bell dings ) Got to rinse. Did you just hear that? Girls dig bad boys. What's up? I'm bad. What's up, brother? What's up, sister girl? I'm still bad, I'm still bad. What's up? Stevens! Clean up that mess immediately. And get rid of that ttoo! Yes, sir, right away. Hey, what do you think about Adam Kane? ( grunting ) ( sighs ) All right. Good enough. Hi, Adam, I know it's last mute and all and I was just wondering if you... I'm sorry about that. Oh, gosh, I know it's late and everything, but... Ooh, wow. That smells. I don't know what got into him. Actually, I do. It'sdam's burrito. I am so sorry. He's usually not this aggressive. So will you go to the dance with me? Three minutes left and this bad boy's still available. Hey, sweetheart, how you ing? Give me a call. I'm working on that muscle. Stevens! Yes, sir! Right away. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay? Hey, any luck? No, not one girl, man. I knew Donnie's whole bad boy thing wouldn't work. The mayonnaise must've soaked through his brain. What up, dgs? And that's spelled D-A-W-G-S. Nice look, Fonzie but I could have told you that whole bad boy thing isn't going to work. Au contrai, Pierre. This is Gwendolyn-- my date. This is not happening. You got two minutes to find a date. Two minutes? There's Tawny, man. You know, you should go apologize to her for being such a dufus. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tawny, Tawny. Look, come here, come here. Okay, listen... Why are you dressed that way? Because, um... up to no good. Don't listen to what I just said. Forget that. I'm going to lay the cards on the table, okay? You don't have a date to the dance, right? I don't have a date to the dance. Why don't you just ask me? Well, see, there's just one little problem with your logic Louis. do have a date. See ya. ( bell rings ) Louis, there you are. I've been looking for you. Really? Yeah. I have something to ask you. Sure, go ahead. I don't know how to say this, but... Yes, I'll go. I'll go to the dance with you. tually, I was going to ask you to give this pig feed to Ren.  It's stinking up my locker. Okay. But I'm a fly-by-the-seat- of-my-pants kind of gal. So, sure I'll go to the dance with you. You will? You will? You will! Great! I want us to have the best time ever. Okay, we'll have more fun than a fuzzy bath pillow. All r... Fuy... pillow? This is some good stuff. Hey, Lou, glad to see you could make it. Yeah. See you got yourself a little date here. I have to say we were all a little worried about you. Truth be told, I had Doris on stand-by. Doris? Your mom Doris? Tom, no, I'm not going to go out with your mom. For you guys' information, I have a date, okay? I was asked to the dance by the head of the cheerleading squad. Dude, you're going to the dance with Monique? Yes, I am. Dude, she's a total babe. Yes. MONIQUE: Yee-haw! Monique? I gotcha, you rascally critter. You waed fun? Well, hold on to your britches. ( chuckles nervously Ah, come on, Gwendolyn, I'll get us some punch and don't you even think about lassoing me, now. Hint, hint. ( snorting ) You know, me not ving a date for the dance is all your fault. ( grunting ) Oh, and what is that supposed to mean? That's just fine, because you know what? After tonight, we'll just go our separate ways. WEXLER: Let's give a big Sadie Hawkins welcome to our favorite square dance caller "Haystack" Steve Stevens! How-dee! ( crickets chirping ) Come on, folks, let's raise a ruckus! e-haw! ( square dance music playing ) Listen up, everybo. Walk around your corner. Do-pass-oh. Partner left, corner by the right. Back to the partr with a left-hand turn. ( cackling ) Slip the clutch. Come on, Louis, let's get out there and get our square dance on. Uh, you know, Monique I'm not really into square dancing. I'm more a circular kind of guy, okay? Hey, Louis, hi. Hey. You know my date Tad. Yes. Hey,ad, sorry about your shirt, buddy. You know my date Monique? Nice teeth. Come on, Tad, let's get out ther and have some fun. Oh, come on,onique let's go out there and have some more fun! That's the spirit. Yee-haw! STEVE: Allemande left, partner right weave the ring... and swing that pretty little thing. And promenade. Yee-ha-ha! Pretty little girl with the turned-up nose freckled face and refoot toes. Put them ladies back to ba. Men go round the outside track. Swing your partner up and down swing your partner round and round. ( screaming ) Yee-haw! ( screaming ) ( music speeds up ) Swing! ( screaming ) Good job, Louis-- you let the pig out. No. No, I'm fine. Thanks for askg. Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy. Here. ( grunting ) ( grunting ) ( amplified grunting ) There you are. You know, you have messed up this wholeadie Hawkins thing for me. That's right. Well, truth be told-- I'm glad you scared away all my potential dates. After Bobby and I broke up well, I didn't feel like going with anybody. ( grunting ) You're right, it is his loss. You know, we've shared so much, and I don't even know your name. How about Mr. Oinks? ( grunts ) No, at's too cutesy. How about Timmy? Timmy's good, right? ( loud grunt ) Gather up, y'all. It's hitchin' time. Louis? Louis, there you are. Hey, Monique. I was just looking for you. Sure you were. Um... yeah. I am the justice of the peace. If'n there's any fillies wantin' to get hitched drag your fella on up here for an old-fashioned mountain wedding. Come on, Louis let's go get hitched. You know, I can't. Because I've got this thing... in my thing... which causes my thing to become, uh... unhitched. Ain't got no brides in the house? Well, it looks like we're going to have to close up the old hitchin' post. Umwait, Justice. Me and this here feller want to be hitched. Mel'bells, step right up. Louis, I thought you said you wanted to have fun tonight. No, no, I did. I mea... I do, I want to. I want to. But you'd rather be wh Tawny? Tawny? No, that's ridiculous. MONIQUE: Louis, look. You're in the seventh grade, I'm in the eighth. I know a thing or two about a thing or two. People, we are gathering here today to join together this gal and her fella in mock matrimony. Yeah, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry, Monique. What am I supposed to do w? Go get 'er, cowboy. So if y'all want to get hitched say "Wahoo!" Wa... No! Stevens, what are you doing? I object! I didn't ask if anybody objected. So, I still object. This whole wedding... is a mockery. Ooh, you're a sharp tack, Stevens. So, he should be wearing a shirt. I mean, come on. Louis, what are you doing? Uh, I don't know. Somebody donate this man a shirt. Excuse us just for one nute. LOUIS: It's Sadie Hawkins, not Tarzan. Come on. She looks good. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Louis, why did you ruin my weddg? Look, sit down, please. Look, I know you're just doing this to get back at me. Oh, really? Now, why would I go and do a thing like that? Because I thought you were going to ask me to the dance and then you didn't. I was acting all cool in front of everybody and then I messed everything up. How did you make those words come out of my mouth? m a girl. That's what I do. Well, I'm a guy and I don't know what to do. I mean why does everything have to be so complicated? 'Cause you made it that way. Yeah. I wish there was like a... you know, a reset button or something, you kn? You could just press it and go back in time and start over. Yeah, it's too bad I'm already engaged. We should get back out there. Yeah. Yee-haw! I now pronounce you hitched. Looks like we're both off the hook. You may now shake your tail feathers. ( square dance music playing ) Louis, do you want to dance? Well, I don't know. I've had so many offers today. Sure. ( door closing ) Hey, how was the dance? Oh, it was great. We won cutest couple. We? I thought you didn't have a date. Okay... REN: You kn what? Timmy's a looker. Well, I guess I'm not losing a daughter I'm just gaining a hog. That was bad. 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IF YOU LIKE JAZZ, FOR EXAMPLE, "SOPHOMORE SURGEON, M.D.!" "DR. SOPHOMORE MUST DEALWITH THE PAIN "WHEN HE DISCOVERSTHAT HIS BEST FRIEND, "ANOTHER BOY GENIUS,IS NOT A DOCTOR AFTER ALL, "FORCING DR. SOPHOMORETO DECLARE HIM INCOMPETENT AND COMMIT HIMTO AN ASYLUM FOR LIFE." AGAINWITH THE "BOY GENIUS" THING.